Growing Pains

Yea. Everyone goes through some growing pains once in a while. Not just the physical pains but the emotional ones too. I hate blogging about stuff like this. But sometimes talking helps get things off your chest.

Don't you think it's pretty weird. Emotions are created in the brain and shouldn't really affect anything else. But you do seem to have actual heart pains when you go through tough times and emotionally draining periods. I doubt there is much physiological linkage between the heart and brain in terms of feelings and stuff, but it just happens yea?

I guess learning to deal with such events in life are all part of growing up. It doesn't mean that it doesn't suck big time to have to deal with them, but just know that you are not alone. When you think about how much your life sucks, just know that there is someone out that who has it way worse off than you do. Doesn't make the problems go away, but it sure as hell makes you feel slightly guilty for feeling so down.

I guess life's not too shabby for me. Like I told a friend, where you fall short, the Man upstairs comes in and fills up the void. Experienced first hand with my subject registration problems. It's in people that cannot make the mark that God does his most awesome work. And trust me, He's got plenty of work where I am concerned. I seem to falter every step of the way.

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path. (Psalms 119:105)
That has to be one of my favourite bible verses and an excellent pick-me-up in my bad times. Hope it can do the same for you.

I guess the thing that brings me down sometimes is the feeling of being alone. Partially my fault cuz I'm way too insular to open up fully to other people. It may sound strange to some people, but despite the smiley happy exterior is a troubled being inside. Bottling up stuff is not good for you. It festers in you and develops into a full blown infection if you're not careful.

I might take a hiatus from blogging for a while. Cuz I like my blog to be a happy sunshine kind of place and not the emo kid kind. And so, if I don't have anything nice to blog about, I figure I just shouldn't blog at all. So there.

Synthetic Organism

Sometimes I really feel like Job. Obviously not to the extent of having my family and everything I own taken away from me. But I do sometimes feel like God is testing me. Distractions that are taking me away from the job at hand and my general inability to focus on what I'm supposed to be doing.

It's also at times like this when I turn back and look at my faith. I just can't forget everything, put my faith in God and pray that everything will be alright. I mean, it's not possible to do nothing all day but pray and then still expect to get As every exam. There has to be some amount of human effort involved. I don't pray for good grades. I pray for the strength and focus to do what is needed to get good grades. Even then, it wasn't enough.

Sometimes I ask Him, you could say I even beg Him. What do You need from me? What do I have to offer and where is my place? I've yet to get an answer.

My friend just commented on Facebook something along the lines of how we always seem to remember all the bad things in life, like our failures and our shortcomings, and forget all the wonderful things that have happened, like our victories and our good times. But, being the pessimist that I am, I also think that it is wrong to forever harp on the things that we have accomplished in life and forget about the times that we have not been able to live up to expectation. But you think that through our failures, we can find ways to victory?

Sure it's easier said than done. I'm not the only one that knows that through failure we learn the way to success. But I just don't seem to be able to implement those lessons learnt in my life. It's like I'm stuck in a never ending downhill spiral. Sure there are the ups here and there. But all that seems to come from those ups are a false sense of security and a faint hope that everything will be better from now on.

Sprinkle some Fairy dust, think happy thoughts and you can fly, you can fly, you can fly. Wish I could remain a boy just like Peter Pan.

Going out of my Mind

Ah fcuk it. No, seriously.

Bon Jovi has some of the best rock balland lyrics ever. Was listening to Bed of Roses over and over again. Like woah.

Can I drown my sorrows at the bottom of a bottle of JD? Cuz alcohol is sorrow's only nemesis.

Dammit. Don't feel like writing anything.

Zac! Eat Sam's shorts.

Check this out. Bloody good stuff. Had me laughing all the way thru... Awesomely funny musical.

Headaches Aplenty

Take two panadols and see me in the morning.

Unfortunately, my headaches are that easy to get rid of. It's kind of a turbulent time with all the talks about Hall Allocation and stuff. Who gets to stay next year and who doesn't. I'm kinda miffed (putting it lightly) at the way that certain priorities were set this year. I'm not being biased cuz of my position or anything. But I think there was totally no consideration for our hall's strong points and for the people that have contributed so much. Sigh. Shall not get into it. I'm not a politically inclined person so I won't get into details about what I think. I'm the type that if I feel strongly enough for something, I will say my mind even if it's not the "politically-correct" thing to say.

Arrh... Fuck it lah. I'll take two tequila shots over those panadols anyday.

State of Mind

You know how sometimes life throws you a curve ball? You don't really know if you should take a swing at it or just let it by. I'm not sure of anything right now. Some of my friends have been telling me that this isn't worth my time. Some have been telling me that there is a fighting chance. But I think I naturally tend towards the negative as a defensive mechanism.

(Confusion enter stage right. Exeunt Certainty and Control stage left.)

I just feel like what we have and had are nothing more than a working relationship. Nothing more than a friendship of convenience. Whoever said that absence makes the heart grow fonder should be shot in the balls and hung upside down until death. Distance seems to want the extinguish the flames and I don't wanna be that kind of person who just gives up over and over again. There are somethings that are worth fighting for. Is this one of those things?

Wouldn't Have it Any Other Way

I suppose some people are quite surprised at the way I'm reacting to my results. Personally, I don't know why the surprise. It's not that I don't care but simply because I understand that the amount of effort put in is equal to the returns that I get back. And the returns from this sem was precisely what I deserved.

Do I regret not working harder? Well. No. Before anyone gets on my ass and starts screwing me, let me just say that I don't believe in regret. What you have done is what is done. I enjoyed all the things that I have done and accomplished in the last semester and I wouldn't have it any other way. You can't change what you've done and the resultant consequences so the past is nothing more than a history lesson. You can learn from it, but you can't use it to change your present. It can however be used to change your future. And that's what you should be aiming to.

I guess this just means that I'll have to turn a lot of things around next sem.

The Sandwich Meridian

Mediocrity. There I said it. The M word. Why does being mediocre have such a negative connotation to it? I don't think that being ordinary is necessarily a bad thing altogether. Is being normal abnormal? Is there something wrong with leading a quiet life? Why is this blogpost rife with rhetorical questions?

To me, it doesn't seem all that bad to life out your life peacefully in stereotypical manner with the wife and two kids, driving a medium sized family car. Sure it would be fun as hell to take the Ferrari or Lambo out for a spin, but is all the extravagance really necessary? Maybe to some it is. But I'd be just as contented with my Toyota Corolla with my family strapped in.

I'm not making an excuse for under achievement. I do not think that whatever talents we have should ever go to waste. But I also don't agree with the mentality that if you're not pushing your limits, then you're just another under achiever. While pushing the boundaries of your abilities will improve you as a person, it comes to a point when that pushing stops being a method of excelling yourself and starts becoming the goal. What I mean is that sometimes, we strive so hard to improve and break records that we forget to look back and be proud of the things that we have already achieved.

They say that pride comes before a fall. In my opinion, pride this case is not so much being proud but instead means being over confident. I do not see what is wrong in taking a step back and taking pride in what we have already managed so far. What I'm saying may sound very contradictory at times, but I also believe that while it is good to be proud of what we have already accomplished, we should also not just rest on our laurels.

Basically, what I'm trying to bring out is that all things require a sense of moderation (another M word). It is the balance between pride in past achievements and endeavour in future work that makes a person truly well-rounded. Pushing our limits versus stepping back and admiring the view.

Life is like a sandwich. I know it's corny but bear with me for a while. The way I look at it, the stuff in the middle is what make a sandwich a sandwich. A PB and J is PB and J 'cuz of the peanut butter and jelly. A cheese sandwich is a cheese sandwich because of the cheese. So your life is should not be judged by the bread that is the extreme good or bad that you do occasionally but by the filling that is how you lead your life most of the time.

Well, like it or not, I am perfectly content with leading my life smack in the middle. I do not aim to be the next Bill Gates, nor do I intend to let what ability I have go to waste.

Running Dry

Okay, I know I've been bitching about how I can't wait for the exams to be over and how there are so much that I wanna do. But now, almost a month into the hols, I have accomplished nada. [edit] I just learnt that the submission deadline for Mini Musical 09 is 31st July. Hurray for procrastination!![/edit] Goddamit!! I think it's the waking up past noon problem. Haha. Cuz by the time I wake up, there is only so much of the day left so you end up not really doing anything. And by the time you start doing something, it's time for dinner and you'll prob end up slacking off after dinner as well.

Arghh

I really need a job. But I'm not really doing anything proactive with regards to finding one. I guess if I wait long enough, a job will fall out of the sky. Hopefully something not to tiring with good pay.

*looks up at sky*

*realises he's indoors and jobs don't fall from ceilings*

*depressed*

Well. I can't say I haven't been enjoying the do-nothing-but-slack-all-day lifestyle but I really need to get off my butt and do something constructive.

Kayaking, anyone?

Infernally Internal Affairs

I wanna say something, but at the same time I don't think that I should. But it's killing me inside lah. I need to do something about it.

That's what next week is for, I guess. Where is my interrogator when I need to talk!